I think it’s safe to say I’m in that phase of my life where good men, love, and relationships are just but luxurious thoughts and fantasy.
You see during my childhood, my parents ensured I watched fairy-tale movies and had books filled with magical stories of knights and beautiful princesses who were in dire need of saving. I don’t think they knew the effect of all these stories towards my love life. They have made me view relationships as something sacred, something beautiful to be shared with ONLY that person who loves you. The sacredness of the term “I love you” to me is pure, I don’t say it if I don’t mean it and it has made me expect the same from my partners, friends and generally any relationship I may have.
You can imagine my disappointment when I meet people who don’t uphold the same values. This has only been the start of a series of tears and heartbreaks. Now, that doesn’t mean I’ve had as many partners as it may sound. Bitch, I’ve only loved two men in my life, one of them stole my innocence and the other taught me what being in a relationship is like.
You might be wondering, but yes, my first love was the man of my dreams. He had the power to make you be at a loss for words, just by a glance. Oh god, he was so mature, one look and I’m fumbling around. His voice is so gentle, yet deep with masculinity and topped with fifty layers of wisdom. You can imagine how I, a 19 year old, felt when he spoke. Telling me why tattoos and nose piercings weren’t cool. I was in so much awe of this dark, tall, smart, mysterious man.
So when he told me, “I love you”, bitch I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Woe unto me when he wasn’t as I expected - my guy wasn’t consistent. What he said and did were two different things, trauma bonding that’s what. He made me itch to be with him, but was never there to satisfy that itch - and yes for those who thought about it, all this happened after he popped my cherry. I pined for him for a pretty long time until I came to terms that he didn’t really love me. You know most times when it comes to love, what our mind and heart say are two different things. Both of them might come to an agreement but the heart will always betray the mind. My heart was and is still very stubborn about this particular man.
My second love was the epitome of gentleness. He was dark, (if you haven’t guessed by now, I like my men dark), not that tall, had beautiful eyes and eyelashes, a great laugh and was super intelligent. This man I loved and I’m sure he loved me. It was a great relationship if you ask me. He taught me a lot of things. Most tech related, as I’m absolutely hopeless when it comes to anything technology related. I really loved him until he did a number on my self-esteem, then disrespected me. Long story short, we broke up.
Now, as a single lady, it’s so hard to know what a person wants from you. Especially since the term, “I love you” doesn’t mean anything to me. Actions do. I’m so tired of dating and looking for love. I read a quote the other day and it said, “There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it.”
So contradictory, right?
I'm very opinionated, curious and I love reading. I'm here for the knowledge and perspective of other women.