Fast, slow, all at once. Different, same, nothing new.
It is unfair of me to describe people as such but this is devoid of lies. They know I am numb but they still fight to find ways to love me. They claim to have me in their minds and I consume the essence of their being. They tell me it is in the way I look at them. The way I hold their hand. They cannot see why they should not fall. They are creating new memories in new places with me. They should not feel that way because there is no safety with me. They keep reminding me that I make it hard for them to ignore the feelings that I have awoken. So, they are slowly falling and I am afraid that they want me to catch them yet I am not falling with them.
“Did you see the way I looked at you?” he asked.
“Did you see…?”
“I heard you the first time but what does that have to do with anything?”
“I love you that’s why. Beyond my heart and mind.”
I laugh it off. They seem certain but unsure. That is how they are and even though love can take many forms, it cannot be unsure. They sit there telling me that they crave my company just to have it. I walk away knowing there is no hope for our story. Did I see the way he looked at me? Of course I did. It was full of desire, but I am skeptical because it is not completely for me but rather for the things I possessed.
I play along, I do not want to hurt their feelings but it is inevitable. Isn’t it sad when you know the way things are about to end? The very exact way, but all you do is wait. You do not want to trigger it. You want it to happen organically. Organically - what does that even mean? The ending. It is coming but you wait. My heart is bound there is no way out for now.
I want to try and love the way they love me. Conversations drag on. Awkward silences. Nervous laughter. You think there is a spark here? I see a non-existent glow and then I am convinced I should stay. Lingering stares. Lips aching to touch. Sweaty hands holding each other. Why do we do this to ourselves? Okay I’ll admit it; I find myself missing them in ways that are not friendly but only for a fleeting second. That is the problem - it does not last long enough.
They create little places in their heads that are untainted. Where our ‘love’ transcends reality. But I trample on that sanctuary and make it dark. With that darkness, we find ourselves confused. Maybe I am the problem because I am too focused on reality. I want to love them, I think. There is a part of me that wanted everything they felt and even the things they felt they could not express. I want to love them loudly but then there is rejection and other people owning them as well. I want to lose myself in their smiles, smiles that win and glow. Places where our thoughts are serenely and sweetly expressed. Places that are pure and form the perfect dwelling place for two lovers. Where we can remain soft, clam and eloquent.
These lovers make promises of promises. It’s like sitting across the counter waiting for a bartender to serve you. It takes forever because you are not the only one there and you end up being the last person. If they could change a thing, they’d get rid of all the in-betweens I created. Unfortunately, they do not have their way.
They walk away because there is no patience for me to come into their life as well. I cannot be horribly straightforward. I cannot find the courage to send reckless text messages that tell them how I really feel. They walk away because I won’t let them know I want them, need them and that in certain moments I feel like that the world will end if I don’t hold them, touch them or kiss them. I cannot be desperate and I live my life on the edge by pretending that I do not care.
This is how lovers come into my life and that is how they walk away. I craved constant attention but one day they decided there were better things to do.
I read! I write! I create!