Just a few minutes ago, I saw a post on some random Facebook group by some random guy asking:"Pehlay zamnay main aurtyn sabar karti thyn aur ghar basaya karti thyn lekin ub talaaq ka rujhaan q barhta ja raha hy?" ( In old times, women were more patient and knew how to make their homes but nowadays divorce rate is increasing, why?)
￼The comments on that post are another topic because to be honest, they were so disturbing I couldn't read all and don't want to discuss them but I have to give my two cents on this question because I've also heard such statements and discussions before. especially whenever someone is talking about some random divorced lady.
The most common perceptions about the divorced lady are:
She has no patience.
Her parents, especially her mother, supported her bilawaja and encouraged her to step out of the marriage.
She isn't capable enough to make her home.
She is zubaan daraaz (bad-mouthed)
She reports each and everything of her house to her mom.
And there are so many more stereotypes.
I always see people passing judgment on the lady and holding her responsible for the broken marriage. I can't keep quiet because it literally breaks my heart why everyone thinks that it's only the girl who is at fault and is responsible for not managing the relationship well. And then they compare today's women to those who have been through hell, been exploited and finished in their abusive marriages but didn't even think of stepping out of marriage because they didn't want to have any "daagh" on their character. Thus, they deserve some "Tamgha e imtiaz” sort of thing. Crap!
I don't agree. I am a woman. Married. I know the struggles a woman has to go through to make her space in her in-laws family and her husband's heart. I know not at the cost of her life, any woman can think of destroying her home and her relationship. No woman wants to disturb her life and leave the most important person in her life but if he hasn't left her with any other choice…?
I am a mother. I know for parents nothing can be more pleasing than seeing their daughters happy and well adjusted in their own home with their husbands.
I am a daughter. I know how parents keep advising their daughters to compromise and tolerate and keep quiet and ask them to just bear with whatever the situation is, because they have to make a home.
I am a sister. I know how brothers would tell you to just ignore tiny things and let go because you have to give sacrifices for making your home.
I am a wife. I know how, at any cost, a woman wants to make her husband happy and obey him, listen to him, act like he wants, and leaves her own wishes, dreams and passions because her husband wouldn't allow.
And being patient is not the key or guarantee of a successful relationship. I have seen so many girls, suffering a lot because they were just bearing and being quiet, and even they ended up getting divorced. I know the girls who never told their parents or even siblings or friends what they were going through at their in-laws hands. And I know the parents who never ever supported their daughters bilawaja instead pushed them to the last limit to save their marriages.
But even then people say she doesn't know how to make a home??
You know what the problem with us is? We [as humans] use same scale to measure every situation. Yes, there are cases where women are responsible for broken relationships, but not every time. Just try to realize: it already takes a lot of courage and effort to make this decision and you might not know but the divorcee would already be going through a lot. So before you pass any judgement or make any nasty comment about the one going through it (be it a man or woman), just think for a moment: are you doing the right thing??
When a marriage breaks both of the partners have to go through the hell and if they have kids then it’s much more difficult to step out of the relationship for either of the parents. And by passing judgments you're just putting them through more.
If you can't help them, easing their pain at least, just don't add more pain. Please!